Here we are for our first ever proper live blog! We're kickstarting with the Red Carpets of The Brits. Get involved, have your say and let's get hammered together!

that Adele sang Someone Like you last year. I'm not sure we needed reminding. Keith Lemon is now interviewing RizzleKicks who look like they starred in a 3 year old episode of Skins.

Alex James has ironed his Tshirt and Dave Rowntree looks overjoyed to be interviewed by Keith Lemon. We have our first apology for swearing, but I missed it - was it shit or spunk?

Never has there been a more underwhelming British pop star, possibly with the exception of Beverley Craven. She is wearing D&G. Laura Whitmore is wearing something that shows her bra off. Pixie is "just excited to be here" Trans: fuck all chance of winning.

Are there going to be any surprises tonight? Will Pixie Lott puke blood over Mick Hucknall's lap whist being fingered by Labrinth? Probably not but we live in hope. What would YOU like to see?

or are there only about 15 people cheering the "slebs" on the red carpet? There were more at Westfield for Space Chimps 2 premiere. I like James Corden's tie pin - does that make me a metrosexual?

People are eating jelly. Presumably not the jelly you used to get in Derby that had acid in it.

Rihanna's accent always confuses me as I forget she is not American. this doesn't last long.

32 seconds to suggest she was going to be "Dirty". Maybe she's going to spill the jelly on her lap. Or maybe it's a reference to anal sex? Stay tuned.

What do you think Ed Sheeran thinks about whilst masturbating? I'm going for Miss Pac Man or a schoolteacher he once had.

There, I said it. I also like Laura Whitmore, which may have something to do with the fact we share an agent but also may not. I am very much on the fence with Keith Lemon. I want to despise him and everything he stands for, but then think he's a genus for pretending it's a character which allows him to stare at tits and call people idiots to their faces without getting punched.

sat behind Laura Whitmore. Peak cap, thick glasses, slogan t-shirt.

Cotton: "Ask him if he's bonkers" Jesus Christ Fearne - at least pretend.

She is wearing every hue of Peach possible. Someone has torn out the entire Pantone reference catalogue and scattered it all over her boring head.

Adele is wearing a black dress. Which is about as surprising as water coming out of a tap.

rocking the "Princess Lea brushed out her hair" look. Hopefully The Force will be strong enough for her to remember the melodies to her own songs.

Slight Louis Walsh/Spence mixup on the red carpet. Easy mistake to make to be fair.

Jessie J is quite boring, so let's see if we can work out what hipster twat sat behind Laura Whitmore is doing. At the moment I think he is looking at a picture on his phone. GIVE US A WAVE HIPSTER TWAT!

The main course is Lamb. Most people are just pushing it around their plates, wishing they'd left the first "livener" till a bit later. They'll be starving at 11. They know this. They do it EVERY TIME.

she looks permanently on the verge of tears.

Main show starts in 10 minutes. Is anyone reading this? I feel like i'm prison tapping on the radiator pipe with a pen lid.

That swirly shaved thing on JLS man's head is preposterous.

I'm still smoking a cigarette btw.

"your hipster could be jamal edwards ?"

If my wristband starts flashing inexplicably I'll be terrified.

which was fine, but missing me presenting it obv. Now - THE MAIN EVENT. Booze at the ready.

iTunes price mysteriously rises again.

I missed Coldplay because I forgot to turn over from ITV2. It's things like this that stop us getting invited to e.g.. The Brits. But now... FLORENCE AND THE LATRINE!

Kate Bush would kick this performance a new arsehole.

That backlight giving her the Diana fanny effect just made me ill.

Also description of someone as "Royalty". Adele is nominated for Best British Female. Unless someone chops her head of in the next 10 seconds she has won.

We are now on a 100% success rate.

"It's been an amazing year" "Thanks to the fans" "Cackle"

as a bloke nips off for a line.

If by doing a good job you mean singing a semitone out of key and dancing like Todd Carty on Dancing On Ice.

"I'm not judging anyone" regarding The Voice. Top Marks for Corden's whevz interruption.

He has chosen that guitar to make him look bigger. Some people probably have sex to this song. Some of them even achieve an orgasm.

Newton Faulkner without a bong.

He is announcing Best British Single which could go to Military Wives - you have been warned. It will probably go to One Direction or The Wanted though.

for "What makes you beautiful". It is a fucking BRILLIANT pop single.

sadface.

like he's done 2 grams and 40 marlboro reds.

is Jenson Button presenting a Brit Award? About as relevant as Peter Andre presenting the Turner Prize.

Is Rihanna. Who, incidentally, is the only nominee to be at the O2. Her dress was worth £1000 - which in the grand scheme of things, isn't actually that much is it?

The only interesting thing about this song is that when I saw him do this at Jools Holland, there was a bloke stood backstage playing keyboards for him, pressing one solitary key throughout the entire song. I wonder if he's there now.

if he got the wrong note.

for voting for their song. Sadly, the award was voted for by Capital listeners.

really, aren't we?

this will actually be a bit sad. You forget how ace she was really don't you? Proper talented gobshite - not enough of them.

the same shade shirt, tie and court suit at all times. He's also completely ripped to the tits isn't he? Lost a lot of weight too. HHMMMM!

FFS

Ed Sheeran. Well done everyone.

always look like it's just been washed?

better not win this

Coldplay. They're still wearing those GAP trousers.

will never come out of those Tshirts. Seriously who STYLES these guys? Neil Buchanan?

WTF?

at paintballing earlier today deserves a medal.

a cigarette yet?

and it would still sell 4million. Well done Adele.

you see the pictures of the bellend she wrote it about.

Sky News

He'd fart out the We Will Rock You solo over The Military Wives if he thought it would keep him relevant.

Foo Fighters. They are so SO happy that The Drummer has recorded a generic video message. Dave Grohl was taking a dump at the time.

actually.

Ed Sheeran. He's going to rip that place APART now. Watch.

He did get a cheeky wink from Nicole Sherzingger (sp) that suggested a hand job later if he plays his cards right.

Or as I like to call it - cigarette break. Let me know if I miss anything. (I won't).

how it would be possible to make this song even more cunty, Bruno Mars has just shown you.

no? good.

if she wins.

Lana Del Ray. The Gangsta Nancy Sinatra being presented an award by the gangster Pete Waterman.

FFS.

on his way to the bogs alert

as Florence aren't they?

Riot gear performance isn't it? Still the best performance so far.

They are at The Brits 2012. Just incase they thought it was Dublin Castle 1997.

drawn a cock and balls in that paint.

finally!

as healthy as Blur look? YES THE MIC IS ON DAMON.

you have my permission to use a cheese grater on his penis tip.

keeping it real

play Beetlebum for 11 minutes please.

not giving a shit.

whilst Coldplay are blathering on about something boring - look at 97 (Ninety Seven!) red carpet pics here!

award. Presented by GEORGE MICHAEL.

Amazing hahahaha!

Adele. But forget that - HOW STONED IS GEORGE MICHAEL!

for sponsors of Brit Awards.

poor Adele :(

Kanye impression then.

I want BeetleBum, Song 2 then The Universal. Please.

is to rip into Country House

please be Adele please be Adele please be Adele please be Adele please be Adele please be Adele please be Adele please be Adele please be Adele

it's just NOISE

They are playing 'Tender' which will go on for literally HOURS. Damon has Ed Sheeran's small guitar. Alex James doesn't have a Jeremy Clarkson mask on. Yet.

The baby bit.

Please play Beetlebum.

No - not the Brits - The Song! finally an amazing blur song, being sand slightly badly by Damon. No-one has jumped on stage and put a shovel through Alex's head yet.

but it's about Radio 4 talking about boats, which takes the edge of it a bit.

Why did Lana Del ray thank GERMANY? Silly cow.

Wow - thanks for sticking around for the inaugural Holy Moly live blog. I have no idea if anyone was reading it, but judging by your comments at least some of you were! The winners tonight were George Michael and One Direction thanking the wrong radio station. The losers were whoeer decided to cut Adele short and instead go to an 18 year old song. Oh and Olly Murs. He was shit. See you for the Oscars!

and Sid Owen was on Adele's table. Ridiculous. NIGHT!