For some reason, the Indonesians have decided they hate all things creative and eccentric and exciting and have banned Our Princess, Lady Of The Meat from performing in their country. Something about being the bride of Lucifer.

Why anyone would take against The New Madonna is a total mystery, however those uptight, totally non-righteous dudes over in Jakarta seem to think that Lady Gaga is 'too risque' and that her 'Satanic lyrics' could 'destroy their children's sense of morality'.

The ban, spearheaded by the rather fun sounding Islamic Defenders Front issued a statement to the AP in which they call The National Treasure Of Our Hearts 'dangerous':

"We will stop her from setting foot on our land. She had better not dare spread her satanic faith in this country,"

In what must be one of the fastest resolved celebrity lawsuits in history it seems as if John Travolta, he of the supposedly rosy buttocks and chapped bottomhole, has managed to get both cases against him dropped by doing absolutely nothing. It's a phenomena(-on).

Yesterday, as the fourth non-celebrity popped out of the woodwork to accuse John of touching him and his pals inappropriately (albeit not in a court), it seemed as if the Hairspray star was doomed to a life of funding his own multi-million dollar films and flying around in his own 747.

We’ve all been there. That morning after the night before panic that you may have got tired and emotional on Twitter and said things you probably shouldn’t have. Hi Huey Morgan! How’s your head? Despite his own station 6 Music taking home the Station of the Year award, the Fun Lovin' Criminal took to Twitter to express his dismay that his colleague Lauren Laverne beat him in the Music Radio Personality of the Year category. He also had a go at Fearne Cotton but no one seemed to mind that.

The @hueymorgan account has had a frantic Spring clean this morning, but here are the best bits of Huey’s Kanye moment:

Referring to his fellow Radio 2 and 6 Music DJs winning the Gold and Silver Music Radio Personality of the Year awards, and Radio 1’s Fearne (not Fern) Cotton receiving named Best Music Programme, at the Grosvenor House bash, Huey wrote:

“They ain't gonna let some dude from NYC win this shit. Fern, Lauren, Chris. Yeah right, that's cool? Suckers they come a dime a dozen...”

Chloe Sevigny, the cool dude's cool dude, is starring in a new series called Hit and Miss, in which she plays a transgender hitperson. Ha ha. A hitperson. WHATEVER NEXT?

Anyway, as part of her role in the series she had to wear a fake penis, because she's a woman in real life and doesn't have a penis. Unfortunately, having to sport this shlong all day long affected Chloe the way it affects all us men, it made her feel unattractive and often left her in tears for hours every day:

This time last week there was only one man trying to sue John Travolta for sexual assault. Now there are two masseuses suing him for trying to touch their willies, a cruise ship worker saying Travolta propositioned him for sex and another masseuse who claims Travolta was banned from a New York hotel after trying to have sex with every single masseuse they employed. That's ….wait for it…. masseuse of people.

Anyway, the most recent claim by professional skin pusher Michael Caputo is that Travolta was banned from the Peninsular Hotel in New York after repeated 'inappropriate behaviour' (Via New York Daily News):

“Travolta would always request a man for his massage, but after a while no one would take him because of his inappropriate behavior,”

See, told you.

“It got to the point where they couldn’t find any men to take him, and they had to ban him,”

As reported here yolks ago, Britney Spears has been confirmed as a $15million judge on this year's X Factor USA, and along with Demi Lovato, will replace Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger to join Simon Cowell and LA Reid on the panel.

This should give The X Factor USA a much needed boost, as last year's competition failed to live up to Cowell's estimation of 20million viewers per episode (it averaged about half that).

We all know Britney, but us uneducated Brits are probably less aware of Demi 'looks like Miley, name like ice cream' Lovato's pedigree. 

It's getting to the point where we're starting to think it might be worth jumping on the John Travolta bumwagon. Everyone else is doing it. All you need is a bit of imagination, a solid knowledge of the male anatomy, a job where Travolta may have conceivably been wearing a bathrobe in front of you at some point and you're pretty much quids in. You'll be flying in JT's private 747 before you can say red and chapped rectum.

Or at least, that was what we thought up until yesterday, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Fabian Zanzi, a Royal Caribbean employee at the time of his 'incident', said that Travolta tried to do the willy dance with him too, and he was just a greeter on a cruise ship. The rules have changed, everyone:

“He had something on his neck. I thought it was a fuzz. As I approached, he took off his white coat and was naked. He hugged me and asked me to do a massage.”

Russell Brand has been chosen as the host of this year's MTV Movie Awards. If you'll remember, the last time he presented an awards ceremony for MTV was back in 2008 when he called George Bush a retard. Oh how we laughed.

He really does have a huge mouth though, doesn't he? Not speaking metaphorically, it actually is huge. We've emailed him to ask how many Ibuprofen he can fit in at once, our guess is 43. Anyone here want to take a stab? If you're closer than us, we promise to write a hugely fawning article about your favourite musician.

Bad news everyone, Sean Bean's been arrested. Even worse news, it was on suspicion of harassing his ex-wife with abusive text messages. Bad Bean.

The reason it's bad is because anyone who's seen Bean on TV or film knows that he doesn't respond well to being imprisoned and will most likely end up either mad or dead if it continues. The reason it's really bad is because his ex-wife Georgia Sutcliffe has been so upset by the messages she felt she had to call the police. Bad Bean.

According to Scotland Yard (are they the standard people to call in this type of case?):

A couple of weeks ago we reported on the rumours that Britney Spears was in the running to be a new judge on X Factor USA . She was allegedly going to be paid $12 million dollars to sit quietly in her chair and offer insightful opinions on the world of pop music, despite the fact she's at least one ramekin short of a crème brûlée.

Unsurprisingly, being utterly out of her tree hasn't precluded her from being paid huge amounts to be on television, and it turns out that the rumours of her new X Factor job weren't rumours at all, but the truth! Can you believe it? Britney Spears is going to be a judge on X Factor USA! Maybe she'll be the next Cheryl Cole? It's so exciting! We'll get to see Britney being Britney on TV every week. Can't wait to hear her opinions. She must have so much knowledge to share. So many insights to give. So many secrets to be revealed by her big mouthed protégés.

It's been announced today that Brad Pitt is to be the new face of Chanel No. 5, and that he will be the first man to have the position. We'd like to ask why. Why has he been given it? What's the drive behind this? Is it just because he's a man or because he's Brad Pitt? Doesn't this needlessly go against the grain? It's not like Chanel is breaking new ground here, after all, it's just a man advertising a woman's perfume. They've already had men on the front cover of women's magazines, what do they think this going to…

Fine. We were getting bored too. You want to see a funny picture of Chanel's newest perfume salesman? OK HERE YOU GO

In typical male behaviour, Russell Brand was apparently "seething with jealousy" after seeing his ex-wife snogging some dude at Coachella last month, despite him being photographed with approximately 62,985 women within 30 seconds of announcing their split.

In what can only be described as an 'impossible to know about unless he had typed in a Daily Mail email address by mistake' email, Brand told Katy that he had given up on the marriage too soon, before asking for a second chance.

A source, who had presumably been bcc'd on the email, gave the following insight into the troubled mind of Russell:

'It's fair to say that Russell only wishes Katy happiness but perhaps he should have realised just how special his wife was when he was married to her rather than five months later.'

Stand by for some "totes devo" news people - Chantelle Houghton has thrown doubt on her future with champion kickboxer, award-winning musical actor and serial story seller Alex Reid by saying their wedding is unlikely to happen within the next 730 days. She says there are "more important things" to concentrate on. She wasn't referring to the imminent birth of their daughter either - hinting that "SOMEONE" is selling the stories to the papers.

She said (you have to do it in the voice):

"I woke up on Sunday morning and the first thing I hear is that Alex had called off our wedding. I'm heavily pregnant and every time we have a row somebody goes to the papers and says that we're splitting up. It's putting a lot of pressure on us because I'm getting really upset. I don't know who is telling the papers about our rows but Alex says it isn't him. I don't know what to think."

Yesterday the news broke that an unnamed masseur is suing John Travolta for $2 million (how do they even arrive at these figures?) after alleging the actor sexually harrassed him during a massage. 

No-one called it Gropegate (which was pretty reserved of all us hacks we thought), but unfortunately for John, the arrival of a second anonymous masseur on the legal scene yeserday, who also claims the Travolta acted all sexy and shit while he was rubbing his glutes and lats, is sure to put and end to that. So Gropegate it is.