World! Shut up and listen! And the people of the Congo should be extremely grateful today as their horrific plight is almost at an end. You see, Ben Affleck - the greatest statesman to have ever lived - has called for an end to the suffering in the country, and when Ben speaks, things happen. Like people leaving the cinema.

Ben made his fourth trip to the Congo in two years to launch his message, touring refugee camps in order to see for himself the terrible suffering that civil war and films like 'Pearl Harbor' can inflict on innocent people. Quite how many people were diverted away from their everyday activities of saving lives and feeding refugees by looking after Ben and his ego is unclear, but Ben got his message over loud and clear. He wants change!

 

"I'm not an expert in international affairs or diplomacy, but it doesn't Take That to see the tremendous suffering here."

 

Obviously Ben is being too modest here, having saved the world several times already (in his mind) whilst playing Jack Ryan.

 

"I'm really glad that more people are paying more attention to Congo now but I'm really saddened that it's taken this increase in violence to make that happen."

 

Phew! More people are paying attention to what's happening in the Congo now, thanks to Ben's timely and modest visit. Yes, more people are saying, "God, it was bad before he went, but now…"

 

by Ian McShane