The couple are planning to appear together on the red carpet at the upcoming Grammy awards, smiles frozen in place and clenching each other's hands determinedly, to show that everything is well in their world (except their ghostly pallor), each whispering to the other to look cheerful lest they give the game away.

Maybe their relationship really is fine. Despite rarely being pictured out together Gwyneth has reportedly been faithfully attending Coldplay's shows at the 02 arena every single night, and if sitting through one of those tedium-fests night after night isn't love then I don't know what is. Chris even takes every opportunity to signal his love towards Gwyneth during the songs, perhaps mouthing little love snippets such as 'Bit cold in here, isn't it?' and 'Fancy some soup when we wrap this up tonight? I love cream of tomato, me!'

Oddly though the band have been performing the song 'Green Eyes', a love song which Chris 'retired' after meeting Gwyneth as she doesn't have green eyes. Gwyneth probably hasn't noticed this as like everyone else she falls asleep as soon as they've done 'Yellow'. Even Gwyneth's mother Blythe Danner (which sounds like an indolent porn star's name) spoke out to Fox News and said the couple were fine, there was nothing to see here and you should all move along.

"They don't take pictures together if they can avoid it. It's a strategy. They don't want the pandemonium."

Not normally a word used in connection with the dour pair, but they will reportedly be spending the Christmas period patching things up between them and recapturing the spark which made them one of the most interesting couples on the planet, once again nattering away about bicycle repair kits and their favourite knitwear like there's no tomorrow. Go passion!

by Ian McShane