How would you celebrate becoming the world's most expensive footballer? Well, if your name is Cristiano Ronaldo you celebrate by hopping off to Beverly Hills and ending up balls deep in Paris Hilton. Which seems more of a punishment, but there you go...

They "hooked up" (damn I'm so ON IT today) in a Hollywood nightclub where Paris was partying with her sister, the equally intellectual Nicky.

A witness said:

"They were sucking each other's faces off like their plane was going down. At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy."

This sounds about as erotic as cutting off your own cock with a broken Newcastle Brown Ale bottle.

They then nipped back top Paris' house until 5am at which point Ronaldo emerged with a smile.

I have to say the only reason I would have a smile on my face after leaving Paris Hilton's house is if I had all her jewels in my bag.

Still - saves them spoiling another couple.