Infuriated by the actions of Kurylenko's on-screen character, the Party has issued a statement reeling with disgust at her entirely scripted, make-believe behaviour:

"How could you desert your homeland in its moment of need? Do you really want Crimean girls to be raped by cruel and stupid American marines? Where is your patriotism?

"The Soviet Union educated you, cared for you and brought you up for free but no one suspected that you would commit this act of intellectual and moral betrayal."

You'd think that - what with the recent blow to capitalism meaning that we'll all be shuddering under a bridge this winter, trying to survive off rainwater we've collected into a discarded can of Dr Pepper - communist-types would be chomping at the bit to raise their profile in better ways than this. Yet according to party leader Sergei Malinkovich, the conduct of Bond's latest femme is more dangerous than anyone dared dream:

"Everyone knows that the CIA and MI6 finance James Bond films as a special operation of psychological warfare against us. This Ukrainian girl sleeps with Bond and that means that Ukraine is sleeping with the West."

Yeah… but come on, Sergei. You still would, wouldn't you?

But maybe the commies should stop getting their knickers in a twist and actually watch the film, as Kurylenko's character never actually makes the beast with two backs with Bond. He's losing his touch...

by CJ