Reality is kicked into new, strange shapes. Everyone loves Gemma Atkinson. Everyone. What, don't you know who we mean? You know Gemma? She was the blonde one in 'Hollyoaks'. She gets pictured in her bra and pants a lot. You know… Gemma. No? She was in 'I'm A Celebrity…' and talks like she's got a cold. Has shoulders like a builder. Now you're with us. Her.

Anyway, Gemma is very busy these days being photographed in the nack for Zoo and Nuts so that oily-palmed teenagers can achieve tearful orgasms into their socks in grey suburban bedrooms. But she managed to take time out from bending over in front of a camera to tell us how utterly hot and desirable she is.

She has decided that now is the time to 'let it slip' that Argentinean football legend Diego Maradona once tried to chat her up. She says that they met at some fuck-awful football charity match and she asked for his autograph. He tried out a few lines (no, not THOSE kind of lines) on her but she felt he was too short.

Then she waffled on about her 'film' 'career' and how she would only go nude if the right role came along and zzzzzzzzzzzzz. You were in 'Hollyoaks', Gemma. Being able to act is actually a barrier to getting on the show. Why are you still insisting that you have a blossoming film career? Even being on 'I'm A Celebrity…' and sleeping with loads of footballers hasn't raised your profile enough to make you a film 'star'.

In constantly being photographed in next to nothing, you've painted yourself and your 'career' into a corner with stale wank. Sorry about that.

by HorseWorm