Gordon Ramsey, chef, poppers lover and champion swearer has been hauled over the coals by UK TV watchdog Ofcom for the "sheer intensity" of his swearing after *GASP* 50 complaints. Quite what they were expecting to watch is beyond me. Idiots.

We at Holy Moly enjoy a swear more than most, but Gordon managed to squeeze out an impressive 100 fucks in just 40 minutes. The word that is, obv. During a January episode of Gordon's Great British Nightmare, Ofcom recorded 115 examples of the word "fuck" and derivatives such as "fucking" and "fucked". The swearing was by Ramsay and other participants in the show. Stupid viewers, who probably knit and stuff, objected to the "frequency and sustained nature of the use of the most offensive language". Which is clearly bollocks - cunt is far more offensive. Channel 4 replied by saying:

"(Gordon has) time for niceties or gently persuading people to change their ways. His management skills are based in the first instance on confrontation ... he provides professional advice and 'inspirational guidance' in a frank and tough-talking manner commonly used in restaurant kitchens".

Translation - "He's a mouthy cock." Well according to every single episode we've ever watched, here is our version of: Gordon Ramsey'S INSPIRATIONAL GUIDANCE 1)  2) Get them to clean it over night. 3) Redo Menu (always upset the chef, get rid of everything and replace it wih a Caesar Salad, some ravioli and Rack of Lamb with mash). 4) Throw aroung phrases like "Local market" "Fresh" "Back to Basic" "Simple" 5) Take simple staff onto the street for a blind test. Offer public the choice between piece of food made by Michelin star chef and one that's just been curled out of a dog's arse. Look smug when it wins. 6) Fight with Chef on street. 7) Tell owner to grow some "Big Billy Bollocks" 8) Get 200 people to paint the place overnight. This will make the owner cry and the old waitress get confused. 9) Opening night. Either a complete success (Gordon wins) or a complete disaster becuase they disn't follow the rules (Gordon Wins). 10) The End. mmm.. Rack of Lamb...

1. Sit in restaurant unimpressivley pushing a mountain of badly cooked fish around your plate.
2. Spit it into hand and enquire as to whether it's frozen. Whatever answer is given will be untruthful, beware.
3. Head into kitchen with optimistic, naive chef/madman (Delete as applicable).
4. Find rotting veg in fridge.
5. Shout "you could have KILLED somebody" at top of voice.
6. Get them to clean it overnight.
7. Redo Menu (always upset the chef, get rid of everything and replace it wih a Caesar Salad, some ravioli and Rack of Lamb with mash).
8. Throw aroung phrases like "Local market" "Fresh" "Back to Basic" "Simple".
9. Take simple staff onto the street for a blind test. Important: Offer public the choice between piece of food made by Michelin star chef and one that's just been curled out of a dog's arse.
10. Look smug when it wins.
11. Fight with Chef on street.
12. Tell owner to grow some "Big Billy Bollocks, Yes?".
13. Get 200 people to paint the place overnight. This will make the owner cry and the old waitress confused.
14. Opening night. Either a complete success (Gordon wins) or a complete disaster becuase they disn't follow the rules (Gordon Wins).
15. The End.