Heather Mills famously protested that the piffling £25m she was given as a divorce pay-off from Sir Paul McCartney was a trifling sum, barely enough to keep her in Ronseal for a year. To prove this she has now launched herself on the unsuspecting after dinner circuit where she will deliver a thirty-minute scream about how unfair her life is, and then if members of the audience don't applaud enough at the end she will personally empty a carafe of water over each and every head.

The genteel after dinner trade is more used to whispering 'pass the port' rather than 'pass the sick bucket' so it remains to see how popular Heather will be on these occasions, though it's refreshing to see that she isn't undervaluing herself or her reputation, judging by the fee she will charge.

 

Having signed to the books of CMM Speakers Bureau (who describe her as an "inspirational former model and philanthropist" - or should that read 'misogynist'?), she is clearly in some fine company as the firm also represent Ruby Wax, the Oscar Wilde of our generation. Heather's biography on the firm's website claims,

 

"With countless television shows and literature publications featuring her worldwide, Heather is the best example of turning the most negative of situations into the most productive."

 

A phrase which normally means 'getting blood out of a stone' but in this case means 'getting cash out of a Beatle'. So how much cash will she be demanding for her personal insights into the human psyche (and some bitchy comments about Sir Paul's drinking and hair dye)?

 

"She personally approves prices for her engagements and sometimes charges up to $16,400 (GBP12,000) for 15 minutes."

 

Nice work if you can get it, and certainly more than she earned for fifteen minutes work in one of her (alleged) previous occupations.

 

By Ian McShane