Can you possibly think of one single reason why Janet Jackson's much vaunted diet book has never appeared? The singer was signed up to produce a book after a massive weight loss in 2006 when she lost 60lbs in four weeks (without resorting to having her arse removed).

Now I'm no doctor (and have never posed as one and wandered around gynaecological wards in a white coat and rubber gloves, officer) but it seems to be that losing nearly four stone in a month isn't the result of a balanced diet. Rather than watching the odd calories here and there and exercising sensibly, this level of weight loss would rarely be seen outside a Japanese prisoner of war camp.

 

It hardly seems likely that Janet is a beacon of common sense when it comes to healthy weight loss, so this must be the reason that the publishers have announced that the book will never see the light of day? A publishing 'insider' (a figure completely made up by a desperate reporter) told the national Enquirer (a magazine entirely staffed by desperate reporters),

 

"It has been postponed indefinitely. It was a mutual decision."

 

Of course it was. Because Janet's no diet guru. And it doesn't help that she now looks like Vicky Pollard in a fright wig.