Relax. Fat tramp-a-like Joaquin Phoenix isn't having a massive breakdown whilst launching a hip-hop career - he's laughing at each and every single one of us. According to EW.com the actor has confessed to close friends that his whole 'career-change-vagrant-style-sweaty-embarrassment' act is just a pretend breakdown to fool people and he's actually making a hilarious documentary with his brother-in-law Casey Affleck.

Or maybe his protests are coming just too little and too late and Joaquin is actually deranged and trying to explain away his recent behaviour. Who to believe? Joaquin doesn't look the type (at the moment) who could carry off an elaborate hoax, but that's exactly what's happening according to a source close to the ex-actor.

 

"He said, 'It's a put-on. I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it…It's an art project for him. He's going full out. He probably has told his reps that he's quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control."

 

Right. He's the Jeremy Beadle of Tinseltown then. That totally explains away his recent behaviour, as the whole vagrant mentalist act is that of a man with a fine sense of irony, with his eyes fixed on promoting his career. Yes, that's exactly what must be going on.

 

It's virtually part of the Hollywood rulebook - get famous, get addicted to various narcotics, give them all up and then pretend to have a massive breakdown. Nice one Joaquin. Textbook stuff. Especially the falling off the stage bit and having your balls flop around the floor - that was beautifully choreographed.

 

Yes, Joaquin. You're the hilarious king of the world with the finest career master-plan since Lesley Ash decided that collagen injections in her lips would help break her into Hollywood.

 

By Ian McShane