Anyone out there with children/nephews/nieces who is dreading the thought of being dragged along to see this... Try to stay calm. It isn't all bad news. As yet, there's no confirmation that supporting stars Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley will be making an appearance. Which means that - while you may have to suffer four hours of Depp's bizarrely-lauded gurning - you might not have to put up with performances so wooden that the make-up lady simply coats the actors in Ronseal every morning.

Small mercies and all that.