Next Sunday, a load of people you've either never heard of or can't quite remember will be kicked out of planes above an Australian jungle. Once they land, they'll have to eat koala vaginas and swallow the last crumbs of their dignity. Yes, 'I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here' is back.

Martina Navratilova

What they are famous for: Prague-born tennis genius. Got to the Wimbledon final 12 times and won it nine times.

What we can expect them to do: Producers obviously hoping (as she's a lesbian!) to do some 'lesbian things' and reinforce every Sun-led stereotype about lesbians. Will excel in the tasks and, hopefully, display a quiet dignity throughout.


Brian Paddick

What they are famous for: The UK's most senior openly gay police officer. Stood for the Lib Dems in the 2008 London mayoral election (came third after Ken Livingstone and Boris Johnson).

What we can expect them to do: Like Navratilova is the token lesbian, he'll be the token homosexual man and will no doubt be expected to do 'homosexual things' (as he's a homosexual man, you see!). Producers are obviously hoping he'll have a serious difference of opinion with another political contestant…

Robert Kilroy-Silk
What they are famous for: Politician-turned-TV-presenter-turned-back-to-politician.

 

What we can expect them to do: Have a series of heated debates and splutter in incomprehension as younger celebs show no interest in party politics. Will stage a failed coup on behalf of his failed Veritas party before escaping into the jungle like Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now.

 

Simon Webbe
What they are famous for: Stood at the back in pop band Blue (but wasn't as shit as Anthony Costa). Had a 'solo career' of sorts.

What we can expect them to do: Bring in the 30-something mums who couldn't afford tickets for the Take That arena tour next summer. Will regale us with tales of performing at The Smash Hits Poll Winners' Party with B*Witched. May also try and slip in a few bars of a "track" he's "working on" (i.e. 'Insania (Part 2)').


And there, in a very real sense, you have it.

 

by HorseWorm