Shy retiring Lily Allen has revealed that she is tortured by self-doubt and that she may be 'found out' at any moment as a worthless fraudulent charlatan, peddling rubbish. She's clearly feeling vulnerable and introspective, so naturally she announced the news on her MySpace page for a bit of publicity. She should just type 'Blah blah blah blah NEW ALBUM blah'. We wouldn't respect her any more, but at least it'd be shorter.

"I'm convinced I'm not talented at all, and I'm sure people are just about to figure it out. I'm not very good, am I? I don't think what I do is any good. I think I'm awful. I'm not a musician. I don't play an instrument. I write nursery rhymes."

 

Which is a bit of a sleight on 'Humpty Dumpty' and his compatriots who came up with some excellent rhymes compared to Lily. Maybe we should applaud the fact that she is finally beginning to realise her limitations. Can't sing, can't play instruments, can't write songs and most certainly can't present her own BBC3 show. I bet she'd be a brilliantly wacky supply teacher though, or maybe be the 'crazy' girl working in an local government office? She'd be a massive hit.

 

Lest you think this new sensitive Lily is deserving of any sympathy at all, have a listen to her version of The Clash's 'Straight To Hell', the audio equivalent of digging up Joe Strummer and shouting 'You wasted your time mate, your life was all for nothing!' in his face. And I don't care if it's for charity - after one listen I'm feeling like a victim myself.