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From Hung Up To Dial-Up

Wed, 18/02/2009 - 01:00 by chrisns

New York is the city that never sleeps, perhaps because the population have caught wind of the notion that Madonna is moving there permanently after her divorce from Cockney hard-man director Guy Ritchie.

The pair came to agreement in the British divorce courts (with Guy sadly admitting the marriage was over before running off with truckfuls of money) and last week the pair attended the Manhattan Supreme Court and asked a judge to approve their divorce agreement so it is valid in the US.

This means that their children Rocco and David (the one they bought off the shelf) will spend their free time jetting between London and New York, a thoroughly healthy environment in which to grow up. The New York Post also claims that there are a couple of additions to the list of agreed demands.

Rocco and David must also attend synagogues in whichever city they find themselves (jet lag or not) and observe the Sabbath, as they must follow Madonna's Kabbalah faith. No mention of whether they are forced to wear expensive red string around their wrists or drink specially filtered 'Kabbalah water' (expensive stuff, but still a better option than Michael Jackson bearing down on you with his 'Jesus Juice').

Best of all, Guy is ordered to upgrade his internet connection so that Madonna can keep in touch via video when the children are in the UK.

Which begs the question exactly what sort of internet connection did the international film director have before? Obviously some sort of primitive dial-up connection from many years ago since all his films seem to recycle old episodes of 'The Sweeney' but can you get broadband down the Old Kent Road? Luckily Guy can just have a word with Harry 'The Bayonet' Harper next time he's in the old rub-a-dub-dub as Harry's brother Tarquin is a regional manager for Curry's.

Dial-up or not, Guy's current set up is still quicker than the way he communicates with his terribly posh mother on her country estate - passing parchment notes to the butler to present to her at dinner.