Come on guys - we all know by now. It's been in the news relentlessly for what seems like years. A celebrity who's looked close to death for a while paraded infront of the world press one last time by a cynical and cash-crazed PR machine to drum up attention and goodwill after years of being accused of all kinds of horrible things in order to save their family from bankruptcy... Yes we're obviously talking about Michael Jackson...

No good can come from today Ladies & Gentlemen. Michael is due to be announcing his 30 date residency at the O2 scheduled for this summer and if we know anything about old bra-nose, it's that this will undoubtedly turn into a shambles. The picture above is of one of those fucking yawnsome imperdonators, who turned up at a random hotel 24 hours early because he read on some fansite that it may or may not contain Jacko.

 

Don't get us wrong - the concerts will probably be fucking great (as long as we get Thriller, Bad and Off The Wall rather than all the other shit), but as usual, wherever Jackson goes, chaos ensues. We've heard that up to four hotels are on standby, including Claridges, all paid for by O2. Well they'd have to - my 3 year old son has more spare change than Michael, who seems to have been on a lifelong mission to buy every piece of tacky shit pottery priced over $679890399900088767.

 

And what do O2 want in return for shelling out for the rooms? They have apparently stipulated that he MUST sing and dance at today's conference. Which will literally be amazing. What more a worthy event for a man who has sold  more than a squillion albums?

 

Cue Michael standing on a plastic chair in front of 30 journalists and pathetically bashing out a half-arsed accapella verision of Earth Song before being led away quickly because journalists screamed out  "Paedophile BRA NOSE!" in the middle eight.

 

Amazing.

 

By Mr. Holy Moly