Sir Elton John is making two movies.

Vanity Project-ion

Wed, 18/02/2009 - 00:00 by chrisns

Sir Elton John is clearly tired of trying to spend money as quickly as possible. It must get exhausting after all. In the past he has splurged huge sums on flowers, jewellery, watches and lavish parties and he still can't appear to make himself bankrupt. Now he has hit on a brilliant idea to spunk the lot up a wall - make films with his own company 'Rocket Pictures' .

Already in Elton's pipeline is an animated tale about two garden gnomes from rival gardens who fall in love, voiced by James McEvoy and Emily Blunt. It's hard to see how such a film could possibly not lose huge amounts of money, especially when you consider it will scream into a straight-to-DVD release under the title 'Gnomeo and Juliet'.

A second picture was announced yesterday. As yet no actors have been cast, perhaps because even the lowliest ex-Hollyoaks type would turn their nose up at the plot summary given to Variety magazine - a costume drama featuring an alien attack. Honestly. Going under the name 'Pride and Predator'. Honestly. The film's producer said:

"It felt like a fresh and funny way to blow apart the done-to-death Jane Austen genre by literally dropping this alien into the middle of a costume drama, where he stalks and slashes to horrific effect."

The film's producer goes by the name of David Furnish, by the way (I know! How does he do it!?). The British film industry have made some of the worst films ever. If there's a worse film in the world than 'A Shot At Glory' (google it and shiver) then I'll rub acid in my eyes (which would be preferable to watching it again). Unless this is some bizarre kind of 'Producers' tax dodge, Elton might not be remembered by future generations for his music or his rants but by the effluent he caused to wash across our eyes.