As if Ozzy Osbourne wasn't already gripping onto the edges of sanity - what with the boozing, drugs and the fact that he fathered Kelly - now he has to put up with an even bigger number of dogs running around his LA house, shitting all over the place (though if it's a straight swap between that and living with Jack and his transatlantic accent and wrong hair, then bring on the dogs).

One of the few memorable features of The Osbourne's MTV reality show was Ozzy waking from a doze and discovering a fresh dog turd within three feet of his head. Every episode. To be honest, it was more enjoyable watching him realise that dogs actually produce excrement, the realisation breaking over his fractured senses, with Ozzy struggling to process the information like a post-stroke goldfish.

 

Back then they had three or four dogs. Now, thanks to Sharon's neediness there are eighteen dogs running around and stinking the place up, so it's no wonder Ozzy has given up all pretence of being a normal human being as he moaned,

 

"I've got 18 dogs now... We get them from the pound now. When I get home it's like I've got four new dogs."

 

Hang on…Four new dogs every time he leaves the home? That means (allowing for unexpected canine death) that he's left the house five times in living memory. Ah, if only that were the case. His cadaverous voice went on, dust flying from his mouth,

 

"She's a soft touch, I have to pay the bills... In the morning, it smells wonderful in my house. That morning breeze; get a lung full of that, it kicks you off for the day... They still crap in the bedroom."

 

A bedroom covered in dog shit? That must be a massive turn-off, despite Sharon's obvious and almost-irresistible charms…