Step right up for today's airing of dirty conical bras and posh boy flat caps. As the Ritchie divorce goes up a gear, a document has been released that tells of the marriage contract Madonna drew up in an attempt to control her husband's behaviour.

It's certainly all the evidence we need to confirm our suspicion that Madge is actually Pol Pot trapped inside a sinewy old piece of roast pork. A source told The Sun that Guy was (amongst other things) instructed to "work to enrich his wife's emotional and spiritual wellbeing" and (presumably when rolling home pissed as a fart after a night down the boozer) have the foresight to look his fuming, meglomaniac wife in the eye and say: "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this."

And because all that was such a turn on, the next barked order request was that both parties must "devote time to our sexual expressiveness". Excuse us. We just sicked up in our mouths.

Clearly Madonna would have been better off marrying a dog. It would have been a darn sight more intelligent than Ritchie and much more inclined to do as it was damn well told.

by Lou Lou