David Beckham has declared himself quite delighted to be considered the "gayest straight man in Britain and the blackest white man", despite (like the rest of us) having absolutely no idea what this means. David Walliams and David Dickinson must be fuming at being passed over for the accolade.

Beckham was talking to GQ magazine when the confusing subject came up and his simple face immediately lit up as he gurned his pleasure.

"Yes, I like that. When someone said that about me, it made me laugh and I was quite proud of it. To have that kind of effect on so many different people around the world, I was honoured. When people talk to me about being a gay icon I think of it as a great honour."

Let's be clear about this - David has no idea what 'gay' means. He probably thinks it's something about his hair looking nice. Hair nice make David laugh. He also unveiled his revolutionary approach to fashion - David see, David like and David wear.

"If I see something I like I wear it. No matter what I think people are going to say about me. I don't do it for a statement, I do it because I like wearing different things."

Which led to a few problems when he had Rebecca Loos tightly draped around his hips.*

*Joke copyright 2004.

by Ian McShane