It seems that the minute Michael Jackson is asked to appear in court he develops myriad puzzling diseases that can't be diagnosed, except under the banner of 'Lazyitis'. Jackson is currently being sued for $7m by Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa of Bahrain, for basically dicking about with the Sheikh's money and having a lovely sandy holiday. Of course he promised to write books and record albums but the beach was just lovely every day, dammit! What's a workshy, delusional idiot to do?

Jackson was expected to attend court this week, but has sent in a sick note saying he is too ill to travel. Well, he hasn't actually sent any evidence to this effect. He had a sick note but his dog ate it. Or it was in his trousers and his mum put it through the washing machine. No, a big boy took it and ran off. Anyway, he's not coming.

All of which is rather reminiscent of his own trial when he attended court in pyjamas (too sickly to get dressed, you see) or had to be carried in strapped to a board (poorly back-knack) or dressed as Prince Charming (just utterly mental). Nigel Sweeney, the current judge has now adjourned the case until November 20 so that legal teams from either side can discuss just how sick Jackson might be.

Why bother? He paid off Jordy Chandler so the teenager wouldn't give evidence about allegations about him. He's probably as sick as they come.

by Ian McShane