The true love match between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes goes from strength to strength as yesterday was their... wait for it... second wedding anniversary. Two whole years of pretending to be in love is surely the best acting performance that either of the pair has ever pulled off.

Despite there being multiple rumours of Tom picking Katie out of a catalogue of struggling actresses prepared to do anything to promote their careers, the pair seem to be getting along famously. Or maybe just getting along to remain famous, I don't know. The marriage has been blessed with little Suri, a child created by the pair with (possibly) only the use of turkey basters and huge jolts of electricity.

 

Tom has spoken passionately about his love to Hello! magazine (Earth edition) and resisted the urge to scream 'In your face! I'm in love! I love this woman! I'm the king of this petty planet!', reflecting quietly on the deep love that exists between the pair. Or maybe just boasting a bit.

 

"And they said it wouldn't last. I guess we proved them wrong."

 

Way to go, Tom! You totally won the love war! Stupid human critics on this backward planet were wrong! So congratulations to the pair as they celebrate their 'cotton' anniversary. Judging by the performance of his last few films Tom might still have enough to buy Katie a lovely set of bed sheets. Not that you'll see the imprint of his arse on them as he no doubt lives in another wing of their mansion and probably wouldn't share his bed with a filthy Homo Sapiens anyway.

 

by Ian McShane