According to academic sources (oh, alright, Wikipedia) the word 'Burlesque' as we know it comes from the French, meaning 'a piece of art that is ridiculous and slightly outrageous'. Newest convert to the artform is former Spice Girl 'Mel B', which comes from the English, origin mid-90s, meaning 'attention-grabbing twat who somehow managed to carve out a singing career despite having a voice like a farting mongoose'.

Melanie has been offered a $1m paycheque to star in the Las Vegas production of 'Peepshow' (not the one you're thinking of) - a live burlesque show which tourists can enjoy between their descent into gambling addiction and drug-fuelled excursion to the local brothels.

Mel won't be stripping off entirely during the show - as the Crimewatch maxim goes, 'don't have nightmares' - but will instead be parading around in all manner of sexy getup, including lingerie, leather, and a tight wet t-shirt that says 'I get a million dollars and I don't even have to whack my baps out! Can you fucking believe it?'. Possibly.

The show will begin next March, so if you fancy kicking off the spring season by watching a washed-up pop star pretend to be in the 1920s for a couple of hours, go for it. Plane tickets should only cost a few hundred thousand pounds by then.

At the time of writing, none of the other Spice Girls were available for comment. Mel C is presently on the reserve benches for Tottenham Hotspur, Victoria Beckham is trying not to eat anything for the seventh day in a row, Emma Bunton is just generally confused, and Geri Halliwell is praying that the Chihuahua she has put into a dress will one day turn into a real-life little girl.

by CJ