Britney Spears recently moaned to a judge that her life was being controlled by her father, though the judge pointed out that though she wasn't running around shaving her head and chattering like a rabid monkey anymore, perhaps the controlling influence of her father might still be a good thing.

Her father Jamie is taking no risks, ensuring that she gets more parental attention than her own toddlers. So she isn't allowed to choose her own food in case she overdoses on Haribo, isn't allowed to leave the house without permission (in case she runs off with another photographer) and has constant attention from bodyguards whom her father employs and then pays for with Britney's money. Brilliant!

Recently Jamie discovered that Britney had made an unauthorised call and traced it back to the phone of one of these expensive bodyguards. Britney had worked her womanly wiles on the chap and convinced him to lend her his phone while she made a call that had not been expressly authorised by her father, signed off in triplicate and passed through a committee of carers.

Naturally the bodyguard was immediately sacked, which is a shame as he paid for the call - and ten minutes on the line to cloud cuckoo land can't be cheap.

by Ian McShane