Christmas can be a depressing time for some, so if you're feeling full of dark thoughts and wondering what's the purpose of life and whether it's worth going on, why not pop out to see Lily Allen on tour? That's bound to either send you right over the edge into screaming madness or make you feel so glad to be alive - because you're not Lily Allen.

Yes, Lily is embarking on a tour to showcase her musical talent, even though there's not much call for three minutes gigs. You can keep your lavish stage shows and clever lyrical wordplay - what the world really wants is a dough-faced dullard singing nursery rhymes over a dub beat while her father nods along appreciatively.

In a rare moment of self-awareness Lily has realised that perhaps her shows aren't going to be the most popular ticket in town. Maybe if she put a raffle on in the interval? She told Absolute Radio...

"I'm quite terrified that nobody is going to buy tickets so can everyone please go and buy some? I bought six of my own!"

She bought six? That's enough for all her friends easily. And their parents. She also made a funny joke about a recent warm-up gig she gave.

"Yeah that was good, I think my record company probably bought half of them!"

Ha ha! Half of them. Don't be so modest, Lily! They just made sure that the guest list ran to several hundred people, such as 'Man dragged in off the street + ten'.

by Ian McShane