Both Wayne and Coleen Rooney are pretty hacked off after their (presumably ex) agents, Proactive, sued them for unpaid earnings. Future legal whizzkid Wayne decided to withhold payments when his mate left.

Like I said, Erin Brockovich beter look the fuck out.

The court documents revealed that the couple earn the following:

£90,000-a-week (A WEEK!) for playing at Manchester United.

£760,000 every six months for image rights. Just hold that thought. Picture his face. Yup, that boiled potato with stubble earns roughly £32000 a week for that ugly boat race. I'm in the wrong game etc etc.

£1million a year from Nike.

£237,000 from computer games giant EA.

£3.55million so far from a 12-year, five-book deal.

Now, you can just about think to yourself "Good footballer, earns millions for others, market price blah blah". That is almost plausible. What is slightly more difficult to stomach is that his screeching missus earns over twice the salary of the Prime Minister. Check this out and tell me it doesn't make you feel like slipping 30 paracetamol into your morning coffee...

£283,334 for an eight-book deal.

£41,667 a month for her column in OK! How MUCH?! Fourty one fucking thousand pounds to talk about belts and shit that someone else writes?! *cries*

£13,000 for each of the 10 episodes of her Coleen's Real Women TV show

£5,000 a month for her column in Closer.

If you weren't depressed before, you should be now. Oh, hang on, there's a bit more...

Also revealed in court were the cost of their wedding. £18,933.97 for Wayne's stag week in Ibiza and £2,622 for a first class return flight to New York for Coleen's assistant to collect designer jewellery. The agents claim that they are owed a couple of months' worth of commission, and that Wayne used their credit card on his stag weekend - paying for the whole lot on it. Tight as well as rich - there's a surprise.

A spokesman for the Rooneys said: "Wayne and Coleen are angry that this has gone to court."

Well cry me a fucking river, Wayne. I'd be angry if the world suddenly got wind that I earnt more money than some governments for kicking a football and the missus made a million from testing out nail varnish in a shit magazine.

Excuse me while I jump off a tall building.

Mr. Holy Moly