Sadly, there's always one who spoils it for everyone. In this case literally as Canada is about to be reduced to a smoking molten rock when Tom contacts the mother ship and demands retribution, for somebody has stolen Tom's BlackBerry phone, with all his contacts on every planet he has thusfar conquered.

Tom was giving an interview at the studios of 'Entertainment Tonight Canada'. All went well. He was pleasant, failed to jump on any sofas whilst shouting 'Woooh! I love you guys!' and kept his temper when the idiotic carbon-based life forms kept asking him questions he first heard many millennia ago. Later on though a member of Tom's team phoned the studios to casually ask if Tom's BlackBerry had been handed in, and after a fruitless search it was conceded that Tom's phone was gone. 'So be it,' muttered the aide darkly before informing Tom.

Imagine the pranks you could play with Tom's mobile phone? You could ring Xlarg the Destroyer and criticise his curtains, look through those pictures he took of the space ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion or better still text Nicole Kidman telling her Tom wants her back. The studio is promising to carry on searching but there's no point as they'll soon be under such an intergalactic laser barrage that they'll be lucky to find a matching pair of their own molecules. So that's that for Canada. So long, and thanks for all the... erm... ice hockey? And the Shatner.

by Ian McShane