Tom was at the premiere of this certain movie (you know, the one where he wears an eye-patch and speaks fluent Californian whilst dressed as a soldier of the Third Reich) when he was asked whether he would like his spooky offspring Suri to become an actress.

"I'd love it. I'd love it. Acting is... a great life to get to entertain people and create characters and stories."

Which makes L. Ron Hubbard and his Scientology theories one of the greatest actors of the twentieth century. To be fair Suri has a good chance of treading the boards being surrounded by great acting every day of her life, such as daddy professing love for mummy and mummy saying that she won't run away if daddy lets her out after she puts the lotion on her skin. And Suri has already mastered this primitive Earth language, he proudly says.

"Her vocabulary is great. The ones that we love are, 'I love you.' I love hearing 'I love you, dada. I love you, mama.'"

No doubt just ahead of 'Kill them all' and 'Pathetic, weak humanoids'. At least Tom can proudly point to the fact that he associated with the biggest, juiciest turkey around this Christmas. It's called 'Valkyrie' by the way.

by Ian McShane