Tom Cruise has revealed the secret behind that fantastically smug grin - he's a great father! Probably the best this puny planet has ever seen if the truth is told. This news was delivered as he leapt around on sofas screaming 'Woo! Yeah! I give great parenting!' Tom believes that it was the fact that he himself is from a broken home that has led him to the summit of fatherhood, since his mother Mary divorced his father Darth Vader when little Luke Tom was 12 years old.

"My own father wasn't there much for me and I want to be a different dad to my kids. My family is the most important thing in my life."

 

To be fair his dad did give him the chance to rule the galaxy as father and son before chopping his hand off, but Tom would rather talk about how utterly brilliant he is, compared to these other human carbon-based fathers.

 

"I'm a great parent. I want to be with my kids, and they get to do all the stuff that I wanted to do when I was growing up."

 

Visit earth? Tom of course has three children altogether, one 'natural' conception with Katie Holmes (via a turkey baster, meaning little Suri has the star sign 'Pyrex') and the two adopted children with Nicole Kidman, who miraculously has gone on to conceive by conventional means. Odd that.

 

The 'other two'children (they're called Isabella and Connor by the way Tom) are rarely pictured with Cruise, leading some to suggest that he prefers spending time with his 'real' daughter. No, clearly that can't be the case for someone who is such a 'great parent'. He's probably with those children all the time when the paparazzi can't be bothered to follow him around.

 

by Ian McShane