It's hard to say a bad word about Gwyneth Paltrow, but luckily a few paragraphs come a lot easier.

Gwyneth appears to have given up on the acting and taken up a kind of "Martha Stewart for the Noughties" role by writing a lifestye newsletter on her new website GOOP.

 

The latest online edition has just steamed up the internet like dog mess in a microwave. Who better than Gwyneth to give advice on health and well-being, with her cadaverous frame, washed out features and diet consisting of nothing more than Mung Bean and fresh air stew?

 

Now it's easy to mock, but luckily Saint Gwyneth understands why people mock her, and she forgives them in GOOP.

 

"I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them."

 

So anyone who criticises Gwyneth must have an unhappy life. That's a fair percentage of the world that Gwyneth is feeling sorry for. It's not all doom and gloom though. Above all, GOOP is a positive message and let Gwyneth remind you how brilliant her life is…

 

"I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information."

 

What information can you share, oh wise one? The meaning of life? The mysterious popularity of Coldplay? Where to get a UK electrical adaptor in Tangiers?

 

"I am the person my friends call when they want to know: "I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?" or "How do I make your (recipes)?" … I thought this would be a fun, creative way to share with friends."

 

That's not all though - have you, my dear moles, ever wondered why your New Year detox plan is leaving you feel sluggsh? Well, worry no more...

 

"If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification."

 

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