Sad news. The massively-talented Sienna Miler will not be appearing in the latest version of the Robin Hood story on the big screen. The Sunday papers were full of the news that the actress was dropped by the makers of Ridley Scott's 'Nottingham' due to her private life.

Morally reprehensible as Miller may be, it seems that having the morals of an alley cat have not caused her to lose the part of Maid Marion (though there may be a few relieved spouses of the Merry Men delighted at the news).

 

The New York Post claim that Miller was deemed unsuitable for the role as the actor playing Robin Hood (Russell Crowe) currently looks like such a fat, middle-aged bloater that the painfully-thin Miller would look ridiculous underneath him in the love scenes, like a toothpick being slimed by a slug. Or as a sympathetic 'source' put it,

 

"Russell never lost the weight he put on for 'Body of Evidence' - and so the love scenes between him and Sienna would have been laughable. He's so old and fat and she's so young and gorgeous. It's just . . . gross."

 

Apparently the producers are looking for a slightly older and more voluptuous actress to play the role of Marion. By the time it comes to shooting (bearing in mind the fact that Russell Crowe appears to double in weight every week) they may struggle to fill the role. So they'll need a fuller-figured actress who is the epitome of the shy English rose.

 

Fuck it Ridley, get Kerry Katona for the job. The film's going to be awful anyway, so you may as well make it a comedy, and it's apt that a criminal with a penchant for robbing comes home to a lovely prawn ring and a Sherwood Forest gateau before he fills in the latest insurance claim for a burglary in his treehouse.

 

By Ian McShane