Question. Watch this clip, and when you're lying on your deathbed, gasping out your final sparrow-breaths and feeling your blood turn to treacle as the nurse starts to draw the curtains around your final moments of lucidity, ask yourself 'What were the most worthless two minutes and two seconds of my life?' Here's the answer - Paris Hilton interviewing Lady Gaga.

This is shallower than a rock-pool in a drought, but who would have thought that Lady Gaga lists David Bowie as one of her major influences (if you can hear a moaning sound then it's just the Thin White Duke shuddering violently)?

 

We also get to hear Paris' voice, sounding like a fart being squeezed through a sieve (and unbelievably almost identical to Lady GaGa's high-pitched squeak) and like a sixty-a-day smoker taking a deep breath. It's difficult to concentrate on the voices as Hilton's wonk-eye has a field day, lazily carousing around her face like a clumsy drunk trying to leave a bar.

 

This may be a world record in that there is the smallest amount of talent ever captured by a lens in one shot - face it, you could point a camera at a wall being plastered and have more interesting action than this. Paris also declares that she would like to record a song with Lady Yak-Yak, which is like the Ebola virus proposing marriage to its cousin Herpes.

 

Two thousand years of civilisation, all for nothing. And that microphone looks like a big dildo as well.

 

 

By Ian McShane