This is shallower than a rock-pool in a drought, but who would have thought that Lady Gaga lists David Bowie as one of her major influences (if you can hear a moaning sound then it's just the Thin White Duke shuddering violently)?

We also get to hear Paris' voice, sounding like a fart being squeezed through a sieve (and unbelievably almost identical to Lady GaGa's high-pitched squeak) and like a sixty-a-day smoker taking a deep breath. It's difficult to concentrate on the voices as Hilton's wonk-eye has a field day, lazily carousing around her face like a clumsy drunk trying to leave a bar.

This may be a world record in that there is the smallest amount of talent ever captured by a lens in one shot - face it, you could point a camera at a wall being plastered and have more interesting action than this. Paris also declares that she would like to record a song with Lady Yak-Yak, which is like the Ebola virus proposing marriage to its cousin Herpes.

Two thousand years of civilisation, all for nothing. And that microphone looks like a big dildo as well.