Publicity-shy wallflower Heather Mills will be forced into the media spotlight once again (clearly a position she hates) and will reluctantly become the centre of attention for yet another court case. Heather is facing a lawsuit of constructive dismissal and sexual discrimination from Sara Trumble, a former nanny.

Heather is no stranger to the courts after her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney following their mugging…sorry, marriage, so now she will once again reluctantly take the stand (leave it!). Despite being paid around £24m for the equivalent of robbing a pensioner's savings from under the mattress, Heather has taken the unusual step (just leave it!) of representing herself in the court case. Well why not save a bit of money? She can clearly turn her hand to anything. My house needs rewiring and there's no-one in the world I've love to do the job more than mistress of all trades (look, just leave it, OK?) Heather. Imagine all that juicy electricity shooting around Heather's head...

 

Is Heather being thrifty or have the lawyers she approached taken one look at the details of the case and suddenly declared themselves to be on holiday that week? Though Trumble was employed as a nanny to Heather's daughter Beatrice, she claims that she spent a fair proportion of her time running around in circles (just don't - final warning) after Heather herself.

 

According to the lawsuit Trumble was expected to work until midnight on many occasions, blow dry Mills' hair at 7.30am (with a hairdryer, not just using her own breath, but with Heather's past demands you never can be sure) and most horrifically of all (and in direct contravention of the 1951 Convention of Human Rights) give Heather spray tans all over her naked body whenever she demanded.

 

If the claims turn out to be true (and if there's any justice) then Trumble should be getting a hefty cheque for around £24m in the future. And she'll spend every penny on brain bleach and counselling.