Gosh, crikey and jolly hockey sticks! Crashing toff Keira Knightly says that she bloomin' well cheated death whilst filming corsets and snores drama 'The Duchess', when she was attacked by a herd of cows.

"I went for a walk in where we were staying and I turned around and an entire herd of cows were running at me down a hill. I've never run so fast in my life. I actually managed to vault this incredibly high stone wall".

 

Christ! We've all heard some terrible tales of bravery in the face of adversity but this surely takes the biscuit. She had to 'actually' jump over a wall! Stop - it was 'actually' an 'incredibly high' wall. With her frame you'd imagine she could have slipped between the stones rather than having to jump…

 

Still, if brave, brave Keira hadn't managed to escape then she surely would have been head-butted to death by the cows, because you hear of this happening all of the time. Bloody cows! They truly are the sharks of the pasture.

 

"Death by cow would be a really bad way to go. They weren't even bulls, they were dairy cows."

 

Villainous milky monsters! One question - was Keira wearing a green dress at the time? If so, you can't blame the cows for rushing at her. They must have thought this was the tallest blade of grass they'd ever seen etc (You're Fired - Ed).