Ladies - looking for a demure and sophisticated outfit for Ascot? Maybe you've been invited to a Royal Garden Party and you want to look effortlessly classy when the Queen offers you a triangular sandwich with the crusts cut off? Fear no more, because Pamela Anderson has announced that she is to launch her own fashion range, so all your costume worries are over. Obviously, you'll be thrown out of both events for looking like a shoddy prostitute, but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you've paid over the odds to look like a slut, and that's what really counts.

As it's Pamela - and remember she really, really, really cares for animals - the products will be eco-friendly (probably as there'll be sod all materiel in them) so don't go looking for Panda-skin knickers or a nice off-the-shoulder dolphin dress. Pamela takes the fashion business extremely seriously, and it's clear from her announcement that she is passionate about the project.

 

"I really don't like to wear clothes. I would rather go naked."

 

Way to sell that range! Pamela obviously can't do it all by herself as her brain is ninety per-cent air with the rest made up of baby lotion, cotton wool and some grains of sand still washing around from her 'Baywatch' days.

 

Therefore she has teamed up with couturier Richie Rich (warning - may not be his birth name) of fashion duo Heatherette. You can imagine Richie watching as Pam turns up the hemline and asks 'Can you see my fanny in this? No? What about now?' Richie trills,

 

"She has long been my inspiration. Even though Pam prefers not to wear clothes, she looks great in sexy dresses. She reminds me of Marilyn Monroe and Brigette Bardot."

 

Monroe, Bardot and Anderson. Yes, that seems reasonable. And in case you're wondering, Richie IS openly gay.