Sharon Osbourne knocks the shit out of some bird in a bikini.

Cheryl Cole says Ashley is learning to behave again<div id="teaser2">In a 'no holds barred' (trans: heavily PR-ed) cover interview with Vogue, Cheryl Cole has stated that husband Ashley has learned to keep his todger in his shorts. </div>

Tom Cruise claims Scientology cured his dyslexia<div id="teaser2">After causing the world to breathe a sigh of relief recently when he vowed to keep his wackjob Scientologist ideas to himself and stick to talking about films, Tom Cruise has already broken his New Year's resolution by blabbing to a Spanish magazine that Scientology cured his childhood dyslexia... </div>

Jade Goody fined &pound;2,000 for not returning Marilyn Monroe dress<div id="teaser2">Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens and so our thoughts turn to former contestants. Notably not-a-racist porcine bellower Jade Goody. It's been reported that she hired a Marilyn Monroe-style frock for a fancy dress party back in April 2006. But she has still not retuned it and has run up late fees totalling &pound;2,000. </div>

Newsmound: Dita Von Teese does fitness stuff...

Jim Carrey sets up $50m trust fund for his partner<div id="teaser2">We all worry about what would happen if Jim Carrey were to die. Naturally there'd be a state funeral for the Canadian funny man, huge golden busts of his funny-in-'The Mask' face would be erected and the Samaritans would have to cancel all holidays for staff.</div>

Role Models. Another movie about kids and how hilarious they are<div id="teaser2">The passing of time has not been kind to Seann William Scott. At the age of 32, he's officially too old to play a teenager any more, which has left him not quite knowing what to do with himself: 'The Dukes of Hazzard', 'Southland Tales', 'Mr. Woodcock'... the list of cinematic filth goes on. Thank God then, for 'Role Models', in which he is entirely bearable.</div>

The Reader. Don't mention the nude scenes. It might be inappropriate. <div id="teaser2">The Holocaust. A good subject for a film about the complexities of morality, not such a good subject for an irreverent review of said film. Adapted from the 1995 novel by Bernhard Schlink and set in post-war Germany, 'The Reader' tells the story of 15-year-old Michael Berg, whose relationship with a tram driver 20 years his senior is thrown into turmoil when her previous employment as an SS guard is revealed. Mega Lulz I'm sure you'll agree.</div>

The Strangers. The perfect movie for a festive morning<div id="teaser2">Half the best horror film of the year and half the worst social commentary of all time, 'The Strangers' is the perfect DVD movie because you can just take it out before the last 20 minutes starts and watch a few re-runs of the X-Factor instead.</div>

Generation Kill - The new one from the bloke what did 'The Wire'<div id="teaser2">For anyone who hasn't finished watching 'The Wire', hurry up. Mainly so we can all talk about it loudly without someone rushing out of the room with their fingers in their ears to avoid spoilers, but also because the televisual-rule-book-ripper-upper, David Simon, has a new series heading for UK TV.</div>

The Tale Of Despereaux. Nothing like Ratatouille... honest<div id="teaser2">A more cynical reviewer than myself might suggest that Universal Pictures' 'The Tale of Despereaux', the animated story of a plucky young mouse named Despereaux who must ensure the future of a local town by restoring the fine cuisine that it was once known for, might be relying to a certain extent on the success of last year's Pixar-produced success story 'Ratatouille', the animated story of a plucky young mouse named Remy who must ensure the future of a local restaurant by restoring the fine cuisine that it was once known for.</div>

Catastrophe. Better than your creepy teacher flashing his 'special' Bunsen burner...