Bryan Singer, Nickelodeon Award-winning director of 'Superman Returns' and 'X-Men 2', has been getting letters from Holocaust survivors for years, begging him to tackle the difficult subject of Nazi Germany with his trademark tact and subtlety. Until now, he has politely declined such requests, instead focusing his talent on other worthy causes, such as executive producing 97 episodes of 'House, M.D'...

But now, his time has finally come and he has delivered to the eager masses 'Valkyrie', a movie with such startling poignancy that the majority of Holocaust historians have since announced their retirement from the field, declaring any search for further understanding of this great tragedy 'futile'.

Oh, and it's got Tom Cruise in it. I don't know if you saw his funny dance in 'Tropic Thunder' but it was hee-larious.

In telling the true story of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg and his attempts to overthrow the Nazi Government, Singer has made the bold decision to shoot the film entirely in English (except for a silly bit at the beginning where Tom Cruise speaking German slowly morphs into Tom Cruise speaking English, as if we the audience have suddenly become bilingual). The language shift in itself is not a bad thing (how much would you have enjoyed '300' if it has been entirely in Latin?) but you would think they'd at least have bothered with the accents. The amount of posh British Nazis running around in this film is fucking incredible.

Unfortunately, what could be a fairly enjoyable Nazi/Heist romp slowly becomes the most painful two hours of your life, thanks to some dangerously tedious plotting and a throwaway performance from The Cruise.

2 attempts at spelling Valkryie out of 5

UNUSED JOKE: Something to do with a '2-week luxury cruise' and a 'too weak, spoilt with luxury Cruise'.