Let us start by introducing the video to Kate Bush’s “new” single Deeper Understanding by saying we have bought every recorded note Kate has ever released. And we love it all. We even loved the “difficult” album The Dreaming. And we loved the slightly-disappointing The Red Shoes. And we definitely loved Aerial. That was far better than people remember. But we don’t love this.

Kate’s “new” album Director’s Cut is a compilation of tracks from The Sensual World and The Red Shoes albums, only frigged about with and featuring new drums and vocals. The clips we’ve heard so far suggest this is an error of judgement tantamount to Ben Elton remaking Blackadder because he thinks he’s a much funnier writer nowadays.

In her exclusive interview with Mojo, Kate says: “I didn’t feel I was messing with history, I just felt I was able to put it right”. In the case of Deeper Understanding, putting it right means stripping it of its already slight melody and structure, singing it in a voice that sounds like it’s been up all night smoking and shouting and adding an autotune computer sound that even Kanye West might have considered too silly. And she’s stuck it where the only thing that once resembled a hook used to reside.

And that’s the new single. It’s the equivalent of an episode of 60 Minute Makeover where Craig Phillips does a shit on your old carpet then asks you what you think of your new living room.

And now we have the video. And crikey Moses if it doesn’t make Joss Stone’s Baby Baby Baby look like Citizen Kane. We can’t even watch it all the way through, it’s that visually repellent. A highly respected musician friend saw this last night, against our advice, and simply replied: “I’m hurting. Hold me.”

Robbie Coltrane plays a man who gets some “software” that makes his computer talk to him. And with visual FX that must’ve been provided by MS Paint, wraps him in soundwaves that make him feel loved. But, perhaps because he fears an addiction to his new computer pal, Robbie takes the wires out of the plug. But it still keeps talking to him. And then his family and a clown laugh at him, we’re not sure why. And then Noel Fielding does a thing. And then we punched ourselves repeatedly in the eyes to make it stop.

And Kate isn’t in it. Because obviously she’s busy with, um, er, she’s got that thing to, er...

We shall be buying the deluxe version of the album, keeping the bonus disc remasters of The Sensual World and The Red Shoes (because they always did sound a bit ropey on CD) and throwing Director’s Cut in the bin. What a shame.