I'm not a doctor, but Paul McKenna is. So please be aware that I possess not one shred of the baldy, horse-faced hypnotist's knowledge concerning health and dieting, that's my caveat. 'I Can Make You Thin' also starts with a caveat, stating that you should consult your doctor before beginning any diet suggested by McKenna, that it may not work anyway, and the programme is for "entertainment purposes only".

And it is entertaining, but mostly for the sight of purple-faced Americans on treadmills being told they'll die of fatness before they have kids. It's just a shame McKenna didn't fully commit to the premise by donning a dog collar and healing poor Cletus' broken spine in an overcrowded marquee somewhere near Hicksville. That's what the show essentially is: a modern day evangelist with a charming British tongue, offering hope to the obesely hopeful. "We will help you lose weight through your television!" roars McKenna, cheered on by the state of Florida as it chugs down another bucket of chicken for dessert.

 

How can McKenna make you thin? With four easy rules, none of which are stop fucking eating. The first is eat when you're hungry. The second is eat what you want. Cue plenty of unbearable whooping and hollering from the lard-arses in the audiences. "Open your refrigerator, throw out all the food that doesn't inspire you," gurns McKenna, "and make a list of five foods you love - that's your new shopping list."

 

As brain-explodingly insane as that sounds, he's got me with the third rule - eat consciously. When you eat, do nothing else - no distractions - take a mouthful, put your cutlery down and chew slowly, savouring the food. When you're full, you're more likely to hear the signals from your stomach telling you so, see? I eat too fast and I'm a fat fuck, so it must be true! And rule number four - when you're full, stop - just goes to prove that McKenna is indeed a diety (sorry).

 

Until you realise McKenna is defying every dietician and health practitioner in the modern world. According to him, I can sit on my fat arse, watching porn and Jeff Stelling all day long (not porn with Jeff Stelling sat next to me, or porn with Jeff Stelling starring in it) and do nothing more than order in burgers, butter, lard and goose fat from Tesco home delivery. No balanced diet, no exercise. Really?

 

Maybe McKenna will address how viewers can avoid muscle loss, receding gums and heart failure in the next four shows, or perhaps he won't bother. Crack America with your self-improvement regime, and 'I Can Make You Thin' means 'You Can Make Me Rich'.

 

by Eric Murphy