X Factor went back to the good old days of Big Brother's Little Brother last night, kicking off with a little dance from Dermot 'The Dermotolgist' O'Leary. And you'd have thought any TV show that starts with Dermot doing a dance would inevitably be amazing, but we were wrong. So wrong. We assumed that, after the near bitch fights between Tulisa and Kelly last week and the chaos with the bands midweek, things were only going to get better... enter Alexandra Burke to ruin it all.

Okay, we're being harsh. She wasn't that bad. 

No, actually, she was pretty bad come to think of it. You can't watch Alexandra Burke on TV without clenching your fists and screaming expletives at the screen. She simply has the most annoying personality in the history of, err, personalities, and it's even more unbearable when she's trying with all her might to replicate the attitude of Kelly Rowland. Listen up Simon, if you're going to get an ex-winner to be a guest judge, then your pal Steve Brookstein is obviously your man.

Alexandra Burke aside, there were a couple of folk doing a little song on the X Factor this weekend. Take, for example, Misha B, who blew everyone else out of the competition by doing all the things Cher Lloyd tried (but failed miserably) to do last year amazingly well. She also had a rhino horn for hair, which definitely helped her case. The other big winners this week were Marcus Collins, who would have won the performance of the night had he not wailed like a cat at the end of every note, and *whispers* Kitty Brucknell, who we wish wasn't such an insufferable twat or we'd actually like her.

Nobody was ridiculously bad last night (even Frankie put in a surprisingly decent effort), but if we really must tell you who we thought was the shittest then it's got to be The Risk, whose new member is amusingly better than all the original members, and Janet Devlin, who is about as interesting as our shoelace. Little Mix or Weetabix or whatever they're called were alright, as were the safe players Sophie and Craig. ITV, give Johnny Robinson his own chat show NOW!

Note to everyone: up your bloody game.

Note to Dermot: more dancing please.

Note to Alexandra Burke: go away please.